So, remember when Josh had wanted to take Kayden overnight last week and Kayden freaked out, so I said Josh could stay the night at home and I'd sleep elsewhere?
Weeeeeeeeeell, looks like Josh took advantage of that situation and hacked into my computer, studied up on the history and links. He also discovered that I was selling the engagement ring.
He called me last night and said he had some awkward questions to ask. He came right out and asked if I was seeing someone. In my ever-graceful way, I said, "Now?" He said yes, I hesitated and said, yes, I was seeing someone. I absolutely hate lying.
He asked how long it had been going on...I said a week. He asked if I had known him longer and I said no. I reiterated to Josh that my seeing someone had absolutely nothing to do with WHY we're splitting up. He then asked about the engagement ring, if I was selling it because I need the money or because we're over. Um, both? No, I told him I need the money. He asked if I had asked for a separation instead of a divorce in order to string him along, to help pay for the mortgage. I told him I did it because I didn't think he could handle divorce talk right away, but that I'm done. I would be filing for divorce soon. He asked about what this all means for us and our relationship and that he wants me to stay in his life. I told him we'd deal with that as it comes.
We talked a little more, then hung up. About 10 minutes later, he called out of breath and slightly hysterical. He told me that the camcorder was for me. I told him I didn't want it and he needed to return it. He said it's too late to return it. If I want to sell it, I can...but it would mean a lot to him if I kept it. He said he feels like an asshole for not getting me a b-day/Christmas/graduation gift.
January 31, 2008
So, remember when Josh had wanted to take Kayden overnight last week and Kayden freaked out, so I said Josh could stay the night at home and I'd sleep elsewhere?
Just a little backstory: since I met ________ last Tuesday/Wednesday night, I haven't seen Richard Ford at all. Prior to that, I saw him maybe 2-3 times a week.
I got a text from RF after work yesterday: "I need a relationship. You're out of my league, haha. I'm too lonely to be a friend with benefits, my bad. Call me some day, bye Kelli." (Correct spelling and grammar edited in.)
So, I texted back: "I guess I can respect that. It's been fun."
He texted back to let me know he still had a CD of mine...I told him to keep it.
Then about an hour later, he texted something along the lines of "Damn, could you at least pretend to be sad? I'm not invincible."
I wrote back and said I was confused and asked if he was playing games. He said no, he's just hurting.
I ignored him and then he texted: "Sorry, sometimes I'm not clear. All I want is more of you. Call me soon. Goodnight."
So, I think he tried to call my bluff, maybe he expected me to call and say, "Noooooo! I'll start a relationship with you! Just don't leave!"
I'm just not into the game-playing. I foresee no more relations with Mr. Ford.
RF just texted: You want to do something?
I wrote back: I'm not into playing games, Rick. You said you need a relationship and I can't provide that for you.
Dammit, now I do feel bad. Poor Richard Ford. I wasn't going to talk to him anymore, but he sent this text and I felt compelled to reply:
RF: Thanks a lot. Can't wait 'til you're soft for someone and lay your heart on the line so they can call it a game. Thanks for nothing.
At this point, I reiterated that I had said I didn't want a relationship and he had agreed...and just because he changed his mind doesn't mean he can expect me to.
RF: There are varying degrees of relationships. What made you wanna see me and yet not seek anything further. What the hell is that?
Kelli: What do you want from me?
RF: Apologize for using me...that would make the world ten degrees warmer then I'll leave you alone.
Kelli: (re-reiterates that I thought we had an understanding about the type of relationship we had...apologizes if he felt used)
RF: No one will ever tell you they want more after you tell them that. They'll probably wait and feel the situation, meanwhile keep seeing you and making it worse. Not your fault, someone always gets hurt.
Kelli: In that case, I am sorry. I wish you would have told me sooner.
RF: I knew what you would have said. I wanted to grow on you. You know we can hang if you want. I'm not mad, never really should have been. You're nice, Kelli. Thank you.
Duuuuuuuuuuuude. I thought I did everything I was supposed to in this situation. I was honest and upfront about my intentions. I tried not to lead him on or give him any reason to think there might be more in our future. I thought he was on the same page. I feel really bad for him now (obviously not bad enough to see him again). I feel like a bit of an evil bitch today: first Josh, now Richard Ford. It's only 12:15...how many other dudes can I royally hurt before the day ends?
January 28, 2008
I've been thinking about things you've said and I've come to accept them. In my present condition, I'm not wanted and I'm not needed. I'm never going to change.
So, let's stop pussyfooting around the issue and just file for divorce.
In addition, I think it's in everybody's best interest if I immediately and permanently sever all contact with you and Kayden.
Sorry for everything. I hope you find happiness.
I really don't like being at home right now. And I hate feeling this way. I feel like I have very little patience for Kayden, which is rare. Normally, I'm one of the most patient people in the world...but lately, I'm kind of snappy and irritable. I try to hide it, but don't know if I do. On Saturday, when it was nearing the time to go home (since Josh had Kayden Friday night, I didn't go home), I started to get really down. Like, near the point of tears kind of down. I think that it's because I have to actually deal with a very emotional situation, as well as all of my responsibilities, when I go home...rather than distracting myself, which is what drinking and partying allows. I don't know. I just hate feeling this way, because normally I pride myself on being a great mother and a fairly domestic, responsible person.
::sigh:: I knew divorce/separation was hard, but I had no idea how it affected every part of your life.
So, first the confession of sorts: I met another dude. His name is _______ (pronounced __________), which is short for _________. He's half-Japanese, half-Irish...although he looks completely Irish. He graduated with an art history degree, likes to talk religion, uses punctuation in his text messages, wears crocheted hats, has a crazy and a mellow side, and is a total scruffy hippie...so basically, he's the guy-Kelli. For hell's sakes, he even likes Neil Diamond and has a history of licking eyeballs. Sound like anyone you know?
So, ever since meeting on Wednesday, we've been either hanging out, texting, or talking on the phone. He is so freakin' sweet. On Saturday night, I was at home and had been working my ass off all day with the packing/cleaning/taking care of Kayden. I had been near tears when he called. Immediately, he was like, "Aw, darlin'! What can I do to make you feel better?" and so on.
We've already had "the talk," which is that I don't want a relationship whatsoever and he is fine with that. He has been through a divorce, so he understands. However, I think he does want a relationship. He has already said such things as being "hooked on" or "addicted to" me, or says that he's in trouble. And we're having lunch today. So I think I need to reiterate this whole "I don't want a relationship" idea.
Oh yeah. So, this weekend, I did a whole bunch more packing and cleaning. I moved a whole bunch of shit myself, so I'm uber-sore today. Plus, I cleaned my kitchen really well: I'm talking walls, oven, sink, etc. I made a lot of progress on getting the house ready to sell. However, I'm going to have to postpone it another week. There's just too much for one person to do.
January 25, 2008
Last night, I reminded Kayden that Josh was taking him to a basketball game tonight for Cub Scouts. He was excited about that. Then I told him that Josh had asked to keep Kayden overnight. He started crying and saying he didn't want to. I asked why not. He replied, "I just want to be at home and sleep in my comfortable bed!"
I thought this over for a bit, because it was kind of a strange thing to get so upset about. I asked him if he would rather have Josh spend the night at our house and I would sleep at Kort's for the night. He said he liked that idea. I just emailed Josh the conversation and he's okay with it. It seems a little strange, but I'm okay with it too. I think Kayden got overwhelmed at both the first post-separation sleepover with Josh, as well as having to sleep at a near-stranger's house. Poor little dude...
Our IT department is in Minneapolis and they do most of the work remotely. But when they need something to happen that can't be done remotely, they call me (thus, the IT liason title). Because of this, I've gotten to know the IT guys and am the computer nerd of the office.
Anyhow, today I was talking to a guy from IT who I've actually met on several occasions. We were talking about how my computer crashed, so I'm using a retarded spare that's about to crash as well. I was trying to convince him to order a new computer for me. Here's the conversation:
John: "Do you think computers grow on trees or something?"
Kelli: "I thought that's what was grown in the Silicon Valley! Computer trees!"
John: LOLs "You're pretty funny."
Kelli: "Yeah, but most of the time, I'm the only one who laughs at my jokes."
John: "You're just not saying them to the right crowd...computer jokes are always popular with geeky IT guys."
Kelli: "Yes, I'm very popular with geeky IT guys."
John: "You're hot and funny AND a computer nerd...you're perfect!"
::blushsnort:: That's the first time he has ever flirted with me in the three years we've been talking by phone. ::suddenly shy::
January 21, 2008
How do you react?
Do you stop at his table and chat? Do you wait for him to approach you? What do you do?
If you're like me, you giggle and run out of the coffee shop STAT. I need to grow balls.
Friday night: for the life of me, I can't remember this even though I know I wasn't drinking or anything. I had Kayden, so we probably played or watched a movie or something.
Saturday: I had a breakdown, pretty much. I called Kayden's grandparents in the morning and asked if they could watch him that afternoon while I do some more moving. On the drive over, I just started bawling (silently, so as not to worry Kayden). I couldn't stop crying. When I dropped him off, his sweet grandmother (I'm really close to Scott's parents), pulled me inside and talked with me. She told me I don't always have to be strong for everybody and I have a lot of people around to help me when I need it. She also said that I probably have a low tolerance for Josh right now, because of having to deal with my mom (also someone who never got help for her disease). I hadn't even thought of that. I felt much better after talking to her.
I was still pretty upset, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. After Kort made me realize that it wasn't selfish to want a break from my kid, I asked his g-parents to take him overnight. I still feel guilty, even though I think I had valid reasons. Ugh, I feel like my mind is in a billion places at once, I'm exhausted both mentally and physically (and emotionally), I've been doing all this packing on my own...but I still feel like I shouldn't need time to myself. Okay, now I'm just rambling. Suffice to say, even though I felt guilty, I still asked them to watch him overnight, and I felt loads better in the morning.
Sunday: After I picked up Kayden, we went home and I finished up a crocheted custom order I had been running late on and did some more packing. Kayden and I went to see the VeggieTales movie, then did some grocery shopping. We came home and he played while I did more packing/cleaning. Once again, I felt guilty for not playing with him, but this packing has to be done.
After I put him in bed, I called and talked to my grandma for an hour, then did...you guessed it! More packing and cleaning.
So, I guess it was okay weekend...just pretty emotional and draining.
Kayden-ism of the weekend: he was talking about a fellow Scout who had made his derby car into a working Transformer. Kayden said, "Did you know Spencer won the Most Creative Car award? And he deserved it, because his car was a thing of art." ::snort::
January 14, 2008
However, he gets a little upset on occasion. Like this morning, I took him to school and he asked where Josh was. I reminded him that Josh was at his sister's house now. Kayden said, "Awww...will I get to see him soon?" I let him know that he would probably see him tonight for cub scouts. That cheered him up.
But then I talked to him about how my friend's sister might start watching him for a little while each morning before school and he got upset again. I told him that even though these changes seem bad right now, they're all happening so we can be happier in the future. He just said that he feels "worser" now.
January 11, 2008
So, in order to rent a storage unit, I have to have insurance. I came home to look for our policy. About six months ago, we had finally gotten rid of my insurance (which had the homeowners on it, as well as my car) and moved it to Josh's. We figured it evened out: he pays for that, I pay for our health/dental insurance.
Well, I opened envelope after envelope to find nothing but cancellation warnings on my auto insurance due to non-payment. I'm assuming he took care of the payment before it came to that, but who the hell knows. I may have to call the company to find out if I actually have car insurance at this point.
Throughout all of this, I saw nothing about homeowners insurance. Finally I called Josh and asked him if we even have it. He said no. He said he "procrastinated" and never added it to the policy. I said, "Well, fortunately, I only need it for the storage shed and not for an emergency."
I know it's really hypocritical of me to be pissed right now (since I'm not exactly the most honest person in our relationship), but I am. What if there had been a flood or fire or a burglary over the last six months?!
January 10, 2008
I wanted to tell him over ice cream and make it seem like a casual thing. I don't want to do this with Josh around and likely on the verge of crying.
I want to go back to junior high relationships where, once you break up, you're done and you never have to speak to the person again.
I don't even know what to tell Kayden about what is happening or why it's happening.
I want to make Josh happy. And I want Kayden to be happy and I really worry about whether Kayden will be happy about this. More and more, I feel like I'm being completely selfish and just ruining all these lives in the process.
Note to self: save marriage and other grown-up decisions until I am ready to handle the worst-case scenarios.
Josh is moving out Saturday. I'm going to see if Kayden can stay with his dad or grandparents on Saturday night while this happens (because I will be packing up stuff on Sunday, so it's best if he's not around). So...um, until then, Josh is at home and I don't want to be home. However, Josh and Kayden are still working on finishing the cub scout car, so they will be there tonight. I don't want to go home. But I have to. I could go upstairs and read, but all that bad gloom rises upward and into the bedroom and it makes the words fuzzy and hard to read.
I feel too guilty to ask Josh to stay with Kayden while I have coffee with Kort. But I feel like I can't stand another night of being there.
January 9, 2008
This was the same guy who got us into our house, so it was a little awkward at first. Here we are, 3 or 4 years later, and my life is completely different. Anyhow, he was really sweet and understanding. At one point, he said, "Man, I really feel bad for Josh...he's losing a great woman." I blushed, of course.
So, here's the lowdown. The realtor said that he thinks my house has a lot of selling potential: there isn't much competition around the area, it's at a good asking price, it's in good condition (thank god I brought the maids in first), and there are no major repairs to be made. He says he is fully confident that I can at least break even. I was glad to hear that, but told him that I'm realistic enough to understand I may have to pay out my pocket...I'm just hoping it's not too much. I signed a 12-month contract with him, but he thinks the average time a place takes to sell is 4 months. Could be more or less, of course.
Sooooooo...my to-do list is to basically clear out the house. It's pretty cluttered because I have a lot of stuff and not much room. We're talking furniture, all my books (easier said than done here), my desk and all its shit, Kayden's toys (again, quite a feat). Not completely empty...just simplified.
This brings me to a question. I'm certain I don't want to live with Josh while we sell the house. Here are my options as I see them:
1. I'm leaning towards getting a cheap apartment while we show the house (and upgrading to a better one when I'm more financially comfortable). The problems with this are that I would have to make both the rent and half the mortgage. Together, that would be pretty much a paycheck right there.
2. Staying at my house and booting Josh out. This makes me feel horrible, but I think this is the best option as far as MY finances go. Plus, Josh's whole family lives in town. He has no reason why he couldn't move to his sister's, for example. She has a big house. I have to stay in Aurora to get Kayden to school every morning. The downside to this (besides rendering Josh homeless) is that I would have to get a storage unit and move all my stuff there for a few months, at least. And I would have to deal with strangers coming and going while the house is being shown. Not to mention that Josh could always decide he's coming home after all, like he did last time.
Personally, I wish I could do option #1 because that would be the simplest option and Kayden and I could start moving on. However, I just don't know if it's feasible.
January 7, 2008
January 6, 2008
Bad news: the before-school-care I had been planning on enrolling Kayden in is full. Now I'm having trouble finding a daycare that transports to his school in the mornings. While Josh is still in the house, this isn't a problem, but I want this taken care of asap. There's no way I can take him to school because of where and when I work. I'm going to call to all the daycares in the area, but it might turn into paying some neighbor to watch him and walk him to school.
Night #2 of being home with my husband who is not supposed to be there.
The realtor is coming over tonight. I think regardless of how it goes or whether he thinks we can sell, I'm going apartment shopping on Saturday. I can't handle staying in this situation until we sell the house. I absolutely hate this feeling of being trapped in a house. If I can even just find temporary housing in my area until then, that would be just fine.
I really want to keep Kayden in the same school. I'm willing to drive out of my way to make this happen. However, I'm looking at apartment rates and, for the most part, it looks like I'd be paying about $300 more per month than I do now on my half of the mortgage. I'm already kind of scraping by, as it is (I say kind of, because if I developed some self-discipline, I'd be much better off).
::sigh:: It looks like my options for housing are either a junky but convenient apartment...or a nicer, completely-out-of-the-way apartment.
I'm not going to back down, but I'm just really worried, financially, about how I will do all this.
Today, I came back (since Kayden's trip home was delayed) to find that he never stayed at a friend's house. He was still home.
So, I asked him what his plans were. He just replied, "I don't know." Ummmm...what? Clearly, he isn't planning on going anywhere after all. Moreover, he's acting like the fucking husband/dad of the year today. And I hate to say it, but it's really pissing me off. He bought all this equipment and supplies to help Kayden build his cub scout derby car and has been doing that all day. He even went out and played with Kayden for a bit.
I feel like he's not taking me seriously or that he thinks some superficial gestures (and ignoring the separation conversation) will change my mind. Ugh. I'm very tempted to take Kayden to sleep in a hotel tonight.
This is not going the way I had foreseen at all. This is just too weird and I feel like I'm supposed to act like everything is fine...like we just had an argument and it's over now.
Maybe this is my fault for not being dead-set on separation back when I still wanted this to work out. I guess that's the funny thing: back then, I felt separation might tear us apart.
Later, Josh asked, "Are you okay? You seem distant."
I think my head might have exploded at that point. My reply was something like this: "Uh uh, wha-- who-- oh um, WTF? Bwa--no, um..." Is he in denial or something?!
This is all so wrong. Maybe this is my fault for not being dead-set on separation back when I still wanted this to work out. I guess that's the funny thing: back then, I felt separation might tear us apart or that I was jumping the gun.
January 4, 2008
I talked to Office Manager today about the whole separation thing. I told her the reason I brought it up is because I don't want to come off as flaky. My whole routine will be changed up, especially in the mornings since Josh typically took Kayden to school. So I'll have to put Kayden in a morning daycare since I have to be at work before he starts school. We talked for a bit and she thanked me for the advance notice.
Also, I scheduled a deep-cleaning with a maid service. They will pretty my house up Monday morning. Monday night, the real estate agent will be stopping by to check out the house and to talk to me.
I hope I can keep this momentum going. I have to say, I feel really good about this whole situation UNTIL I talk to Josh. That's when I start feeling really doubtful or worried.
Except that I yell at her dogs all the time. And am a bad influence on her.
In a way, I'm going to be kind of sad to go back home tomorrow (when Kayden comes home).
I think the situation will become more real then.
January 2, 2008
So, I stayed at Kort's house all day Tuesday and finally went home around 5. When I got there, we talked a little more. He had talked to his sister and mom and, strange but not surprisingly, they said that this mirrors a lot of the issues they're dealing with in their own relationships.
He asked if he had to move out. I told him that we need to work on selling our house immediately. There is no point to him moving out until this happens. However, once we sell it, Kayden and I will be getting our own apartment. I made that very clear. Josh said, "So, we're like in a 'pre-separation'?" I thought about it and said, "Yeah, pretty much." He seemed much more, if not open, than accepting of the separation. He admitted that he would likely never change if he didn't have to, but he worries that even a separation might not make him change.
It went really well and neither of us cried this time. I told him I was going to stay at Kort's another night because I felt uncomfortable at home right then and I needed my support system. He seemed upset about that, saying he would sleep in Kayden's room. I told him that would be even more awkward and that I'd rather sleep at Kort's. We hugged and I left.
Now, here's where I'm at now. I don't really want anything to change. At this point, I want him to keep ignoring me and I keep my distance like we've been doing for months. But now I know he's going to try harder and take more offense when I choose to not be at home. I don't really know where to go from here. I've already put a call into our real estate agent. But is it shitty of me to keep staying at Kort's house while Kayden is gone? I feel like such a bitch, but I don't want to sit home and play lovey-dovey and act like we just had a fight that we're now going to work on resolving.
In a way, I wish I had somehow sold the house first and THEN told him, because then I could just move out and that's that. Instead, we're in this weird kind of foreign limbo.
Josh just sent this email:
My goal is to set up an appt. with a therapist by the end of the day. I'm trying to get some recs. from Susan right now.
I'd also like to start marriage counseling ASAP, or as soon as you're ready. How do you feel about that?
When does Kayden get back?
I'd like to cook dinner/talk/hang out with you. Are you free tonight or tomorrow night?
::grumble grumble:: What should I say? "I think you need to work on individual therapy prior to marriage counseling. Kayden comes back Saturday. And I don't think I'm quite ready to sit down and talk...I need a break."
I feel very confident and happy when I'm not around him or talking to him. But once we're together or emailing, I feel really sick and depressed. Sheesh. I REALLY wish we never bought a house, because I think it'll be much easier when I move out.
His response (broken up so he could respond to each part):
Kelli: I think it's great you are looking at therapy. Maybe it would be best if we met with individual therapists alone first and then when or if we feel like it, meet with one together.
Josh: OK. I can see the logic in that, though that "when or if" part disturbs me.
Kelli: I appreciate the effort to open up and talk to me, but I think I need some me-time right now. This has been a long time in coming. I really can't just sit down and work on this all at once right now. I think I know what is the best thing to do, but when we start talking about everything, I get all confused and start doubting myself...and I know that's not what I should be doing. Does that make sense?
Josh: Yeah. That makes sense. I definitely sensed your confusion last night. It sounds like you need to sever all contact for awhile.
I am going to find somewhere else to stay for the next couple of nights and look into a longer-term situation. Maybe you can write a summary of where you're at, what you need, and what you think the best course of action is. I feel like maybe you're holding back and not fully expressing to me how things are.
The following is meant to be constructive, and I hope it doesn't come-off as asshole-ish. I know Kortney has been very supportive and I think that's great. BUT, I hope you are also talking with people outside of the FAK community about your problems. Granted, I don't know squat about the people there, but Internet communities are not exactly the healthiest of places.
VERY ASSHOLE-ISH PORTION: I feel like a jerk for saying this and I'm not trying to diminish the seriousness of our situation, but I don't know if Kort is qualified to give any kind of relationship advice.
Kelli: I feel like I've been struggling and dealing with this for so long that I'm exhausted and I need a break. Only by doing that can I objectively assess the situation and decide what I want. I understand that you want to rush things: seeing a marriage counselor, talking out problems, reconnecting, if you will. But it's just too much, too fast, and I don't know if it would solve the problems in the long run.
I'm honestly not sure whether we have a chance to even fix the problems. If things could go back to the way they were in the beginning then sure, I'd love to stay together but a lot of time has passed and a lot of damage has been done. I've felt hurt for a really long time and that isn't going to disappear overnight, even though I sense that is what you are hoping to hear. Moreover, I think right now you are gung-ho about making all these changes, but they aren't for you. It's just a way to avoid a separation. And I don't think that will help you. If that's your goal, then what's to stop you from reverting back if things are resolved?
I think the best course of action is to sell the house and Kayden and I get an apartment. But until that happens, I don't know what the best course is.
I've actually talked about this quite a bit with my grandma and Susan, in addition to the FAKers. They both agree with me about separating. You might have a point about Kort, but I take all advice with a grain of salt. These feelings are coming from me and no one else.
You mentioned finding longer-term housing. What are you thinking?
I know it's completely stupid, but a small part of me is wondering if this is really the best option. It's not like Josh beats me or anything...it's just a very boring, passion-less, practically love-less marriage. Is that really worth all this trouble?
I just asked Josh via email if he was okay. He replied, "I'm not plotting any death scenarios, but if one more person asks me if I'm suicidal I'm probably gonna shoot myself." This made me laugh and cry at the same time.
January 1, 2008
Oh, there's so much more that was said, but my brain is mush. I told him I was firm on the decision to move out and separate...but I would be willing to see a marriage counselor with him still. I said I felt like a bitch for doing this, but he said I was brave and had my reasoning and he wouldn't expect me to stay unhappy. He said he didn't realize how long or how much I had been suffering.
It was just awful. He is completely heart-broken.
I asked him to go stay with his sister and to talk to her. He said he would. I really hope that will help. Now I'm at Kort's and am a mess myself. I'm having all kinds of doubts now, wondering if I'm doing the right thing. ::sigh::
This is so fucking awful.